Monday, August 17, 2009

How to not catch the flu?

It seems that this is the talk of the town, huh? Everyone is coming up with a way of saving their own ass, everyday. I understand people's concern. I am concerned too. But hey, I'm here to laugh at the stupidity around me.

I have seen lots of people, each fighting with their own strategy. And I have chosen three of these strategies for their stupidity and their ineffectiveness. So here's how you cannot fight the flu...

1. By being an asshole.
This is the strategy of Mr My-Fart-Don't-Smell. This guy gets so paranoid that he decides to cut all physical contact with the people around him. He stops handshaking, kissing, rap-handshaking, fornicating and any other act that requires him to touch somebody else. This shit may be highly contagious but it's no reason to go "Hey you got the virus, don't touch me!" in a completely gay voice. Be a man, come on. Grab my balls.

2. By being a farting asshole.
Strategy of Mr I-Think-I'm-Sick. This strategy reminds me of Mr Burns. Remember how the guy used to be fragile and shit. So he would isolate himself from the rest of the world. Well that's exactly what Mr I-Think-I'm-Sick does. This guy thinks it's a brilliant idea to wash his hand after every single handshake. "Hello Mr Pesci (while handshaking), welcome in. Do you mind waiting a few moments as I go wash my hand?" Of course he does. Its Joe Pesci. Tell him that and he'll reply you with his baseball bat.

3. By being a sissy girly man.
This one is from Mr I'm-So-Scared. It's also the strategy of Mr I-Love-Unplanned-Holidays. Basically this retard just stays at home. Stay at home = no contact with people = no contact with infected people = no contact with your colleagues = no one remembers you when you go back to work after seven days.

As you see, if you follow these strategies above, you'll end up in with a baseball bat lying beside you and/or your colleagues will forget about you. So just don't be stupid. But if stupid is your stuff, then let me give you some more ideas.

4. Don't touch your penis when you pee.
The media are all telling you not to put your infected fingers in your nose in public and shit. But wait a sec. We touch our penis too. So if you want to be a sissy, don't hold your penis when you pee. That way, you are not in contact with the virus. So what if you pee all over the place. The important thing is to be alive, huh.

5. Don't put your finger in your ass.
I know that's common sense, but you always need to remind some people about it.

6. Don't have fun.
Why risk having the flu when you can stay home and enjoy a nice old, boring movie. Those fuckers going out don't have a clue about what they are stepping into.

Now you see how you were being unnecessarily paranoid with your crappy strategy?

Thank you for reading.
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