Wednesday, September 30, 2009

TV Series - The good, the bad, the ugly

No you are wrong. This is not a new TV series. This not even a review. Its more of a rant. A rant that goes to all those bad TV series out there. Those that you have to watch because you are too lazy to get up and change the channel. Those that your fat wife forces you to watch. Those that you watch and then realize "what in the world is that?".

Fortunately though, there's always the possibility to change the channel. And if that is not enough, you probably have a crap TV provider.

During my entire life, I have known a million TV series that were so crap, that before changing the channel, I'd pray that the remote control batteries were not dead. And I have to say, most of them came from a place, called India. These shows are something special. To sum it up, if Friends was a car it'd be a Mini Cooper, simple, old but still a classic. If any Indian TV series was to ba a car it'd be an oxcart, complicated to make, not very impressive, stinky and sooo Indian.

You might say that I am being unfair and that I am providing to facts to back up my points. I plead guilty. Not for long though, because I am about to make a list of all the things in Indian TV series that defy science, mankind, society and every thing else:
  1. They tend to complicate things. The stories in these show are pretty straight forward. The girl likes the guy. But instead of wearing a leather suit and knocking the guy's door at midnight, she convinces the man to marry her neighbor, who's to-be husband just ran away. That way she can lead an unhappy life and pray all day and night and get the appraisal of all the women gathered by the town well.
  2. They have too much luck. India has to be the luckiest place. A man gets shot on his chest, falls in a lake of water, gets carried away and is found by a blind man the next morning. The blind ban cures him. How did he manage to not die while having a midnight bath in freezing water with bullets all over his chest? The water was pure because the old man's daughter used to pay there every morning. But they never told you that the old man was pissing in that same water.
  3. They all pray. Each episode has like 10 minutes of prayer. Seriously, it's like watching Ashton Kutcher praying live from the Riverside Church of New York. Funny part, my grandma puts her hands together and starts praying along too.
  4. They are all unhappy. They must be suffering from paradoxical dysfonctionnement or I-forgot-my-wife-at-the-shopping-mall-rythis. All these series have one thing in common. They show people having good manners, good habits, good faith, good money and good everything. The parody is they are always unhappy. It's almost like they show you the life someone who abides by the law and by all moral standards, but that someone is unhappy because some other someone is trying to date his wife. And since he has stopped being naughty with his wife, he feels threatened because he has no bargaining power.
  5. They never relax. No never. Guy sees someone snatching off a chick's bag. He runs after the thief. Courageous? No that's called insanity. You see, if I were to steal someone's purse, I would bring along a my mother's kitchen knife set. So I could chop that someone who thinks he's too courageous in perfect cubes. To come back to the guy wanting to impress that chick, if I were him, I'd comfort the girl. Running behind a thief then getting lost because you never wandered around (cause you were praying all day) is not a good idea.

By now you get the idea, I hope. Now all you need to do is to not watch those TV series. In my opinion, the only reason one would want to watch these would be to move back in time. I for one start making prehistoric noises after watching 5 minutes of those...

Monday, August 17, 2009

How to not catch the flu?

It seems that this is the talk of the town, huh? Everyone is coming up with a way of saving their own ass, everyday. I understand people's concern. I am concerned too. But hey, I'm here to laugh at the stupidity around me.

I have seen lots of people, each fighting with their own strategy. And I have chosen three of these strategies for their stupidity and their ineffectiveness. So here's how you cannot fight the flu...

1. By being an asshole.
This is the strategy of Mr My-Fart-Don't-Smell. This guy gets so paranoid that he decides to cut all physical contact with the people around him. He stops handshaking, kissing, rap-handshaking, fornicating and any other act that requires him to touch somebody else. This shit may be highly contagious but it's no reason to go "Hey you got the virus, don't touch me!" in a completely gay voice. Be a man, come on. Grab my balls.

2. By being a farting asshole.
Strategy of Mr I-Think-I'm-Sick. This strategy reminds me of Mr Burns. Remember how the guy used to be fragile and shit. So he would isolate himself from the rest of the world. Well that's exactly what Mr I-Think-I'm-Sick does. This guy thinks it's a brilliant idea to wash his hand after every single handshake. "Hello Mr Pesci (while handshaking), welcome in. Do you mind waiting a few moments as I go wash my hand?" Of course he does. Its Joe Pesci. Tell him that and he'll reply you with his baseball bat.

3. By being a sissy girly man.
This one is from Mr I'm-So-Scared. It's also the strategy of Mr I-Love-Unplanned-Holidays. Basically this retard just stays at home. Stay at home = no contact with people = no contact with infected people = no contact with your colleagues = no one remembers you when you go back to work after seven days.

As you see, if you follow these strategies above, you'll end up in with a baseball bat lying beside you and/or your colleagues will forget about you. So just don't be stupid. But if stupid is your stuff, then let me give you some more ideas.

4. Don't touch your penis when you pee.
The media are all telling you not to put your infected fingers in your nose in public and shit. But wait a sec. We touch our penis too. So if you want to be a sissy, don't hold your penis when you pee. That way, you are not in contact with the virus. So what if you pee all over the place. The important thing is to be alive, huh.

5. Don't put your finger in your ass.
I know that's common sense, but you always need to remind some people about it.

6. Don't have fun.
Why risk having the flu when you can stay home and enjoy a nice old, boring movie. Those fuckers going out don't have a clue about what they are stepping into.

Now you see how you were being unnecessarily paranoid with your crappy strategy?

Thank you for reading.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Parents, learn from what you teach!

Yes and respect whatever advices you give. I know a lot of parents that would scold their kids for not greeting everyone at a party, while they are in the kitchen baking snacks (for the party). I mean, don't you remember what you said about "setting the example" and shit?

You see, my point is not that you should not scold your children. You should! But if you observe whatever shitty rules you put around the house, this fucking place would be better. Some parents have a rule that their child should not watch crappy TV series (the list is on the refrigerator), yet they watch that crap. And they have fun while doing it. I mean where's the sense in that? If you're watching that crap, your infesting your own mind. Its only a matter of time before your kids get infected and having their own promiscuous life at kindergarten.

Another typical example... Soda. More precisely coke. Everyone loves coke. Some people judge right to restrict the amount of coke their child can have. That makes sense. Yes, but only if you stop buying it. I mean you initiated the kid to coke (that sounds sick) and you have coke all the time in the house. So your basically a sadistic bastard playing with people's emotions. If you did actually had half a brain, you would buy a juicer and feed your child quality stuff.

Now my last point. Parents tell us never to fight, but they always fight with each other. I'm old enough to lead my own life under my own roof, but it still breaks my heart when my parents fight. Okay I'm not used to them fighting. But hey if they were fighting when I was much younger, I would be pretty traumatised. So imagine that little five year old kid, who just went to bed without dessert because he's been pulling his sister's legs, seeing his parents fighting.

Where's a sense in that? Where?

Friday, July 17, 2009

Review of camping. Weird I know!

This is a post that I made some years back. It's still to be found on my other blog and I agree that this may be considered a duplicate content by Google. But I'm willing to take the risk.

Okay so here starts the original post:

I think during everyone's life, there comes a moment when their family (ahh crap)/friends (ohh cool) decide to go camping. Yeah I know some people might be saying "Nope not me", but sooner or later it gets to us all.

The One - Definition of Camping

Camping mostly means going away from the civilization. Living under a tent, with minimalist stuff like a petrol lamp, some chicken marinated in whatever there is, a lot a lot of beers, a guitar, kitchen utensils, wood and other stuff. Thinking of it, that's not really minimalist. Anyway, since most people tend to go camping in the woods and end up (according to rumors) devoured by mystic demons, most people ,nowadays, tend to go camping at places where everyone goes. This kind of ruins it, right?

The Two - The Safe Camping Solution

Well the solution is simple. Rent a house someplace "far" from the civilization. Here in Mauritius there is one such place called Flic en Flac. This is kind of a fun village. Flic en Flac has a public beach too. This makes it ideal. Many people rent bungalows there. This exactly what my friends and I do.. Every six months.. Yay.. It kicks ass.. I know.. Yeah.. Okay.. I stop..

The Three - The Coming Out (Convincing Mommy)

Okay this part does not apply anymore. I've grown up since. I went from useless brat to useless brat with a job.

Yeah that's the big part. Convincing your parents to let you go camping is not that easy. At least for the first time. To be honest, it wasn't easy for me too. My mom would never let her son go out at night. My dad was on my side, but convincing mommy isn't that trivial. The key here is patience and proof.

Moms are very intricate creatures. During most of my teenage years, I tried to understand her ways. She had her reasons, they were genuine... Aaaaaaaand right!! That's why I could never persuade her. Because deep down, I knew I could not be trusted on. But then I grew up and I realized that if I proved that I was mature enough, she might let me go out with friends. I had to be very patient with this but in the end it paid off. Before, I wouldn't be allowed to go out at night and now I am allowed to take the car and attend a Metal concert at night. Youhouuu... Love you mom and dad..

So for the first times, its okay if your mum starts stating figures off "The Yearly Road Accident Stats Book". Just be patient. If she thinks you ain't mature enough to be on your own, she's probably right, unless you're a fairytale heroine and your mom isn't your biological one and she hates you. For if she didn't, there wouldn't be this fuckin story... Yeah so I was saying... You heed her advices and if you think you're big enough, then prove it kiddo... And be genuine... It pays off... Always...

The Four - The Camping

So you've made it till here. Good. You're already excited when, on your way, your friends tell you how awesome camping was the last time. Then there is bliss. You step in there for the first time. You take a look around. At this time, you surely look soo ridiculous. You look like Grace from Will and Grace on that episode where they were hunting for apartments. But this happens with everyone. You go check out the place. And you settle your stuff. Great now the fun begins.

For the next days, you will be on your own. Everything there is to do, you shall do. You're probably gonna be drunk for most of the time spent there. But you will use a broom. Or even discover how to use it, as one of my friends. So now you're gonna be cooking your own food. You might think its gonna taste like boiled rats.. But no Sir, unless boiled rats taste good. Camping food is wrongly prepared, badly cooked or straight burnt but hell they taste good. And these days are like one single day of (24 x the no. of camping days) hours. Yeahhh.

So that's it for my review. I got to prepare my bag. See you around. Take care and go camping. Houuuuuuraaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!

Note to myself: Call my girlfriend more often when I'm there. :$

Re note to myself: I should definitely call her.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I love her!

Yes I do. I always complain about how my girlfriend is always being a bitch, but I have to admit. I love that damn woman. I see it this way; I am made of metal and she's made of magnet. I can unclip myself and have a stroll... But once she's around, I get drawn back to her.

The thing I absolutely hate is the fact that she knows everything. I mean I can never be right. Bitch always needs to have the last word. It's irritating, but at the same time sexy that a woman can be so right. I really have a hard time when we go on long drives. She keeps on talking when I'm driving. But try as I can, I can never be pissed. She has a way about her. A way that leaves you longing for more of the story after she told you it. I don't know where she learnt that technique. But once I find out, there's going to be someone who's going to be very very sorry.

And more, she always manages to change my mind. Common scenario, we go out on a fine weekend and I say lets go for a burger and call it a day. And we end up in a pizzeria having four cheese pizza. I love pizza but, man, I wanted to have a big greasy make-me-fat burger. Okay I get consolation in a delicious anchois, capres and olives pizza, but that's not enough. She hits me on my ego. And everyone knows I have an ego larger than whatever I can manage.

Ahh all this seems like a finely made up plan. Next time, I'm going to test her. That woman's going to be put to test. I'm going to propose pizza instead of burger. And we'll see how that turns out...

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Bloggers meeting. Why should you not miss it?

Because we can do it again! That was the motto for this second bloggers meeting. And what a meeting it was.

Most people tend to think bloggers meeting is geeky stuff, where everyone brings his/her laptop and talks SEO. In fact it's absolutely nothing like this. It's just bloggers meeting to have some fun. We play games, crack jokes, drink coke and eat snacks. To show you just how fun this can be, I'll explain each and every activity we did today.

Pierced bottle game

The goal of the game is to fill a container with sea water fetched in a pierced container. That was actually the first activity we did. I had a blast (and lots of bruises on my feet, thanks to corals) with this one.

It was really engaging because everyone was watching and encouraging (or so I thought).

Flying discs

Okay I just discovered that Frisbee is a registered trademark. :S Yeah so Frisbee is fun. We had two marvellous little kids (the Meetoo's kids) around who seemed stunned by the flying disc (who wouldn't??). We even taught them how to play. I forgot how fast kids learn stuff until they started slaying my sorry self with that damn Frisbee. But hey, I'm proud I taught someone something today.


Yeah we played Uno with Reena and her husband. The last time they played Uno was... on the eve. I think it's safe to say that we took a beating. But it was fun. Reena kept the scores in her diary. The game continues next time. Haha.

Treasure hunt

Now that one I'm very proud of. Because it was Morinn and I who organised it. And mind you, the treasure chest contained a free domain name not a bogus gift. Yeah, because we can! That's our motto and that's how it goes. The winner was Sun and we all agreed that he really deserved it. He worked hard for it.

Here are the different hints:
Hint 1: I sea you, can you see me?
Answer: It was in the sea. Poor Sun got all wet for that one.

Hint 2: Sticks should not stem from the sand, but why do they?
Answer: We had sticks planted upright over the buried hints. Dakshinee found it because she was the only one not to scratch the surface and to actually dig in the sand.

Hint 3: X is prohibition
But if you are in for danger, You might need to find the X
Answer: That one was just a tree marked X. The root of the tree had a cavity which held the hints. Ashesh and Sajid were the one to find it out. Actually they found it out early on in the game, but then mistook it for some junk food waste.

Hint 4: They say you should not look under ladies' skirts.
But in the region marked P, there is a black lady who is safe-keeping what you are looking for.
Answer: The hint was hidden under my car(black) in the parking lot. Everyone rushed to search the car, but only Sun had the courage to crawl under and reach for the hints. Brave kid!

Hint 5: Grass is greener on the other side
But what's greener than grass?
Answer: There was a field on the other side of the road. The field looked greener than the grass on the beach. Reena and her husband were the first to go search there. They searched the wrong part, unfortunately. Sun joined them, and searched the right place and found the right stuff.

Everyone seemed to have a good time.

Above you can see Sun and Yashvin holding the treasure hunt for the traditional Facebook photo.

Congratulations to Sun again!

Handprint banner

Yes because awesome was not awesome enough, so we had to do better. We had brought a piece of white cloth. And we all handprinted on it. The picture below speaks for it.

You see! I can give you a thousand reasons why you should not miss our meetings, but I won't. Because what I told you above is enough. Remember, next time there'll be more games, more drinks, more food and more people. So come have fun with our bringing-you-back-to-childhood games or at least come to laugh at us.

À Bientôt...

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Privacy. Do have a fucking clue what it is?

Okay I've had my dose. Some people do not respect privacy. I just hate (and hate here is a lesser word) it when I am talking to someone and another person comes along and starts staring at us. Are you a pet? Am I branding a piece of bacon? No fuckface. Get the fuck out of here!!

Reading this, you do realise that I am someone who likes his privacy. Yes I do. I don't know about you but when I fart, I like the fact that there's no one around. But I'm not kidding. I hate it when people get close to me, unless they smell good. Yeah I'm superficial. Boohoooo...

But anyway, I hate when people do not respect other's privacy. You see, I work as a developer and sometimes my non-developer colleagues ask me to solve their e-mail issues. Yeah we work together. As you see, not all developers work in the basement. The point is, there is a reason why one particular colleague would always ask one particular person to fix his/her issues. Simply because he/she has a kind of trust in that person. My colleague feels comfortable when I am the one fixing his/her mail issues while glancing at his/her mail. And no, employees do not send dirty emails. That's on IT Crowd later.

But what if another developer offers to help? The person would accept. But what about the trust? How about letting someone you don't know fix your email issues and then reading your emails before giggling and going away? Pisses pretty bad, huh? That's why there is a common consortium to respect other people's fucking privacy.

You dig?

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Is she mad or something??

Day 3,536. Today my girlfriend and I went to... Okay awful bad start. Cut, start over aaaaaand GO:
That freakin' woman is NUTS!!!
Why oh why you ask? Yeah so the story goes like this. Some days back, my girlfriend walks on to me and goes like.
G: "You know what I like? Long drives..."
I: "Yeah baby. It's bitchin' when we rollin'"
G: "You know why?"
I: "Prob'ly 'cause I'm bad ass driver."
G: "Yeah. But more because I can talk a lot and you always listen."
I: "Uhhhh..."
What a bitch! She's been using me all this time. She knows how I concentrate on the road when I drive. So she takes advantage of the lesser me. How convenient... Of course, I cannot tell her to shut up every five minutes. My mind is elsewhere.
You see, I love driving and I always have to make the maximum out of my trips. I cannot resist a deserted roundabout. I have to absolutely, lovingly, beautifully screech my back tires. Mind you though, I'm no public enemy. I'm very careful when there's a lot of traffic. Hell, I've got to be the only fool to actually use his signals when overtaking bikes.
But hey, I've got to hit that woman back. So the next time, I'll be hitting the roads with massive arms of destruction.
I'll be bringing... Wait for it... A little more... Her favorite CD.
Haha! Take that now, evil woman. I'll see you talking over your favorite music. Hahaha. I feel like the Doom guy after killing those stupid gay Imps. Haha.
P.S. I just hope she does not start singing the next time. That would be totally unexpected and I wouldn't have any backup plan for that...

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Why don't I apply the brakes

Lately, life is going fast. I have very little time for myself during weekdays cause I work a lot. Just to clear doubts I'm not an idiot who cannot code, I'm an idiot who loves coding. It makes a massive difference.

So it goes like this. I love my job and I'm leaving the office at 7 - 8 p.m everyday. You don't say, during weekdays time is precious! And I don't complain never. Actually, I find this fun. You see I'm still very young, I have my own car and a job that I love. Life has never been cooler. I love having something to do. I hate it when I have nothing to do. Weird, I know.

I used to be kind of a mess when it comes to discipline and stuff, but now I wake up and get to the office on time every freaking day. I could never plan anything before, but now hell I can. I can plan all the CSS shit I got to do on my (small-time) blog or on my girlfriend's (big-time) blog.

Oh shit, now I don't know what I was talking about. My girlfriend is being a bitch about a social networking site that sucks balls, licking them all over and then putting some caramel on them and sucking back again. Some people are so obsessed with social networking. I have not been on Facebook for weeks. I hate you social networking bastards.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

How I forgot our third year anniversary

I am an absolute genius. I came up with the next big thing. Firstly,
let me tell you that I am an absolute idiot when it comes to remember
dates. I am a man, its scientifically proven (by myself in my blood
covered garage) that men cannot remember anything.
So it happened that I did not remember our three year anniversary. But,
on this day of June 16 2009 (which will now be known as the day I
changed the history of mankind), I managed to get out without any
warning. Yes I am made of genius. The trick I employed is a dead
simple one.

Some weeks back, my girlfriend informed me that we are together for
nearly three. And I replied something like this:
"Yeah you know with my work and stuff, I can't remember dates. I have
to save the world every now and then. So it's gonna be great if you
could just remind me of our anniversary."

And kabooom, yesterday that evil woman called me notify me that I have
to bring her I don't know what stupid bunch of gifts. I didn't buy
shit, but I called her and told her that I love her.
And if that's not enough, here is a song that I relate to when thinking of you.

Some Kind Of Wonderful by Grand Funk Railroad

I dont need a whole lots of money,
I dont need a big fine car.
I got everything that a man could want,
I got more than I could ask for.
I dont have to run around,
I dont have to stay out all night.
cause I got me a sweet ... a sweet, lovin woman,
And she knows just how to treat me right.

Well my baby, shes alright,
Well my baby, shes clean out-of-sight.
Dont you know that shes ... shes some kind of wonderful.
Shes some kind of wonderful ... yes she is, shes,
Shes some kind of wonderful, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahhh ...

When I hold her in my arms,
You know she sets my soul on fire.
Oooh, when my baby kisses me,
My heart becomes filled with desire.
When she wraps her lovin arms around me,
About drives me out of my mind.
Yeah, when my baby kisses me,
Chills run up and down my spine.

My baby, shes alright,
My baby, shes clean out-of-sight.
Dont you know that she is ... shes some kind of wonderful.
Shes some kind of wonderful ... yes she is,
Shes some kind of wonderful, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahhh ...

Now is there anybody, got a sweet little woman like mine?
There got to be somebody, got a, got a sweet little woman like mine? yeah!
Can I get a witness?
Can I get a witness?
Can I get a witness? yeah ...
Can I get a witness? ohhh ...
Can I get a witness? yeah ...
Can I get a witness? yes.

Im talkin, talkin bout my baby. yeah.
Shes some kind of wonderful.
Talkin bout my baby.
Shes some kind of wonderful.
Talkin bout my baby.
Shes some kind of wonderful.
Im talkin bout my baby, my baby, my baby.
Shes some kind of wonderful.
Im talkin about my baby, my baby, my baby.
Shes some kind of wonderful.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ... my baby, my baby.
Shes some kind of wonderful.
Talkin bout my baby, my baby, my baby.
Shes some kind of wonderful.
Im talkin bout my baby, my baby, my baby.
Shes some kind of wonderful.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Why I made this blog?

Big question, simple answer. My girlfriend wanted me to. My girlfriend has such a huge power on me. I don't know how she does it. I always end up doing things she want me to. Its weird I know. I'm the man, I should be in control. But, fuck, is she stubborn.

Okay so this blog is me, here, admitting that I accept defeat. You win. You have maximum control over me. Mind you, this is not a personal blog where I go ranting about my daily life. This is a therapy. Yes. I like that word. It's a therapy, because I work a lot these days and I need to focus on something else.

I wanted to start running. Not your fat, sweaty neighbor style and not dumb Forrest Gump style. But in a cooler way. With a cap, black shorts and a beach as background. I even bought the cap. I just need to find time now, but my girlfriend always tricks me into bringing her on a date. I mean a date is cool, but running is healthy. Plus on a regular date, I eat a big ass burger and I lick the ketchup all over the plate. Yeah I'm a pig at times.

You might be wondering what's up with that running obsession? I love running. It frees the mind. It helps you focus on... Well nothing at all. Ain't that what we are all after? To feel apart from the world, for one split second...

Come to think about it, that's why I love that woman. I love her because she has a will. And she can change my mind when I'm being super dumb.