Friday, October 22, 2010


Monday, March 1, 2010

The truth about Facebook quizzes

I think Facebook is a great site. It allows me to post stupid iPad parodies on my colleagues walls. It allows me to poke random people just so they feel obliged (out of social networking courtesy) to poke me back. It also allows me to spy on people. I like to visit people's profile and try to judge them before knowing them. It's cool, really. You should try it.

But sometimes, this site does manage to get on my nerves. The thing I hate the most... Applications, mainly quizzes, that post on my wall. "Which celebrity slut are you?", "What kind of penis are you?", "What Smarties color are you?", "What sex position will you never do?", "What fish organ are you?"... Do any of these ring a bell? Not really, right? I knew it! Cause you're my readers, and my readers don't suck at Facebook.

I have a friend that does all kind of crazy quizzes all day. I always tell him to stop, but he never manges to stop for more than one week. And you want to know what he got from these quizzes? "Paris Hilton - You are openly slut", "Flask penis - Narrow top, thick bottom. What the fuck are you gonna do with that?", "Pink - You spread joy buddy.", "All of them - Trust us on that", "You're an anchovies cunt - We prefer not to comment on that.". 

You can clearly see that the quiz results are not on his side. And the worst part now, is that the application has posted the results on all his friends profiles. Now everyone will know he's got a flask penis and he smells like an anchovies cunt. And according to the results, he must be crying on his bed, stuffing his face with pink Smarties.

To get back to the applications, I got the most pathetic post via an application on my wall today. So pathetic in fact, that it made me laugh. Apparently some guy took a quiz on how I was going to die. And this application posted the results on my wall. Just imagine how surprised I was when I read that on my wall. <User Whatever My Name> took the quiz "How you are going to die?"

I mean, come on. How are they expecting me to react? Do they really think people will be like, "WTF? Someone knows how I am going to die. I need to find out more. Apparently everyone using this application knows how I'm going to die too. OMG! I feel so insecure. I know, I'm going to take the test too. I'll check out on everyone's death. Take that fuckers!".

No one's going to react like that. In fact, I deleted that post. I delete all posts made via applications. The ideal solution would be an option to prevent applications from posting on people's wall. I know applications are a big part of the picture and shit, but lately they are just pure spam.

And if you really care, drop by my Facebook page and say a word. Just don't send me smiles or hugs or kisses or dildos (cause I've had that one too) via applications...

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Tiresome Valentine's Day

My girl and I went out today. It was Valentines Day, so we thought we'd act unoriginal and go on a date during the day. All was fine till we arrived at the cinema hall queue, where we realized that half of the island was on a date too. So we decided to ditch the movie and go for lunch. We had some dim sum and the food court was noise polluted 2 by local radio personalities who were imitating old people. You see, that's one thing I could never understand about the radio. Some years back, at one point, some asshole with hemorrhoid stage 3 decided that it would be cool to imitate an old granny. Well, actually it was cool at that time. But after 5 years hearing the same shit every morning, you'll eventually get tired. You wouldn't listen to an old granny doing the morning show everyday, would you? That's exactly my point!

Tired of all the noise and crowd, we took the car and went to the center of Port Louis. She proposed the municipal library; closed. I proposed a tour of Port Louis; awesome. We went to Champs de Mars, and then ended up at Vallee Pitot. Neither her nor I ever went there before. The roads there are separated by dividing strip with nice green grass. And then we made a u-turn and headed back to Champs de Mars, where we saw some pretty nice colonial houses and an amazing pagoda.

It was time then to hit the road and head back home. But before, we needed to buy an ink cartridge... And some other stuff that we did not plan to buy. So we dropped by Jumbo, and came out with a refill kit for the ink (cause they did not have the ink cartridge), a pineapple (cause she wanted to impress me with her pineapple choosing skills), some dry lemon (cause they smell good) and a glass (cause she loves to buy random stuff).

Since we got a refill kit for the ink, I had to do the dirty work. And I managed to do it wrong. I'm sure it was her glaring eyes, commanding me to make a mistake so she can show her superiority. And that's exactly what happened. And that sucks. So she decided she knew best and, I hate to admit, she knew. She took a hammer and a nail, and fixed the mother fucker. Then I refilled the ink with what looked like a syringe full of ink, placed the cartridge back in its place and tada... Chinese engineering. Shit don't work!

So now she was all sad and looked all disappointed. All I wanted to do at this moment was to hug her. All she wanted was for the damn printer to work. So I took my hug back and told her that it was hopeless. She did not agree, and told me I should not discourage her. So, I said yeah it will work. And she got her smile back. But then some hours later, the printer was still not working right. Baby you gotta listen to me... I love you. Happy Valentine's Day.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

TV Series - The good, the bad, the ugly

No you are wrong. This is not a new TV series. This not even a review. Its more of a rant. A rant that goes to all those bad TV series out there. Those that you have to watch because you are too lazy to get up and change the channel. Those that your fat wife forces you to watch. Those that you watch and then realize "what in the world is that?".

Fortunately though, there's always the possibility to change the channel. And if that is not enough, you probably have a crap TV provider.

During my entire life, I have known a million TV series that were so crap, that before changing the channel, I'd pray that the remote control batteries were not dead. And I have to say, most of them came from a place, called India. These shows are something special. To sum it up, if Friends was a car it'd be a Mini Cooper, simple, old but still a classic. If any Indian TV series was to ba a car it'd be an oxcart, complicated to make, not very impressive, stinky and sooo Indian.

You might say that I am being unfair and that I am providing to facts to back up my points. I plead guilty. Not for long though, because I am about to make a list of all the things in Indian TV series that defy science, mankind, society and every thing else:
  1. They tend to complicate things. The stories in these show are pretty straight forward. The girl likes the guy. But instead of wearing a leather suit and knocking the guy's door at midnight, she convinces the man to marry her neighbor, who's to-be husband just ran away. That way she can lead an unhappy life and pray all day and night and get the appraisal of all the women gathered by the town well.
  2. They have too much luck. India has to be the luckiest place. A man gets shot on his chest, falls in a lake of water, gets carried away and is found by a blind man the next morning. The blind ban cures him. How did he manage to not die while having a midnight bath in freezing water with bullets all over his chest? The water was pure because the old man's daughter used to pay there every morning. But they never told you that the old man was pissing in that same water.
  3. They all pray. Each episode has like 10 minutes of prayer. Seriously, it's like watching Ashton Kutcher praying live from the Riverside Church of New York. Funny part, my grandma puts her hands together and starts praying along too.
  4. They are all unhappy. They must be suffering from paradoxical dysfonctionnement or I-forgot-my-wife-at-the-shopping-mall-rythis. All these series have one thing in common. They show people having good manners, good habits, good faith, good money and good everything. The parody is they are always unhappy. It's almost like they show you the life someone who abides by the law and by all moral standards, but that someone is unhappy because some other someone is trying to date his wife. And since he has stopped being naughty with his wife, he feels threatened because he has no bargaining power.
  5. They never relax. No never. Guy sees someone snatching off a chick's bag. He runs after the thief. Courageous? No that's called insanity. You see, if I were to steal someone's purse, I would bring along a my mother's kitchen knife set. So I could chop that someone who thinks he's too courageous in perfect cubes. To come back to the guy wanting to impress that chick, if I were him, I'd comfort the girl. Running behind a thief then getting lost because you never wandered around (cause you were praying all day) is not a good idea.

By now you get the idea, I hope. Now all you need to do is to not watch those TV series. In my opinion, the only reason one would want to watch these would be to move back in time. I for one start making prehistoric noises after watching 5 minutes of those...

Monday, August 17, 2009

How to not catch the flu?

It seems that this is the talk of the town, huh? Everyone is coming up with a way of saving their own ass, everyday. I understand people's concern. I am concerned too. But hey, I'm here to laugh at the stupidity around me.

I have seen lots of people, each fighting with their own strategy. And I have chosen three of these strategies for their stupidity and their ineffectiveness. So here's how you cannot fight the flu...

1. By being an asshole.
This is the strategy of Mr My-Fart-Don't-Smell. This guy gets so paranoid that he decides to cut all physical contact with the people around him. He stops handshaking, kissing, rap-handshaking, fornicating and any other act that requires him to touch somebody else. This shit may be highly contagious but it's no reason to go "Hey you got the virus, don't touch me!" in a completely gay voice. Be a man, come on. Grab my balls.

2. By being a farting asshole.
Strategy of Mr I-Think-I'm-Sick. This strategy reminds me of Mr Burns. Remember how the guy used to be fragile and shit. So he would isolate himself from the rest of the world. Well that's exactly what Mr I-Think-I'm-Sick does. This guy thinks it's a brilliant idea to wash his hand after every single handshake. "Hello Mr Pesci (while handshaking), welcome in. Do you mind waiting a few moments as I go wash my hand?" Of course he does. Its Joe Pesci. Tell him that and he'll reply you with his baseball bat.

3. By being a sissy girly man.
This one is from Mr I'm-So-Scared. It's also the strategy of Mr I-Love-Unplanned-Holidays. Basically this retard just stays at home. Stay at home = no contact with people = no contact with infected people = no contact with your colleagues = no one remembers you when you go back to work after seven days.

As you see, if you follow these strategies above, you'll end up in with a baseball bat lying beside you and/or your colleagues will forget about you. So just don't be stupid. But if stupid is your stuff, then let me give you some more ideas.

4. Don't touch your penis when you pee.
The media are all telling you not to put your infected fingers in your nose in public and shit. But wait a sec. We touch our penis too. So if you want to be a sissy, don't hold your penis when you pee. That way, you are not in contact with the virus. So what if you pee all over the place. The important thing is to be alive, huh.

5. Don't put your finger in your ass.
I know that's common sense, but you always need to remind some people about it.

6. Don't have fun.
Why risk having the flu when you can stay home and enjoy a nice old, boring movie. Those fuckers going out don't have a clue about what they are stepping into.

Now you see how you were being unnecessarily paranoid with your crappy strategy?

Thank you for reading.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Parents, learn from what you teach!

Yes and respect whatever advices you give. I know a lot of parents that would scold their kids for not greeting everyone at a party, while they are in the kitchen baking snacks (for the party). I mean, don't you remember what you said about "setting the example" and shit?

You see, my point is not that you should not scold your children. You should! But if you observe whatever shitty rules you put around the house, this fucking place would be better. Some parents have a rule that their child should not watch crappy TV series (the list is on the refrigerator), yet they watch that crap. And they have fun while doing it. I mean where's the sense in that? If you're watching that crap, your infesting your own mind. Its only a matter of time before your kids get infected and having their own promiscuous life at kindergarten.

Another typical example... Soda. More precisely coke. Everyone loves coke. Some people judge right to restrict the amount of coke their child can have. That makes sense. Yes, but only if you stop buying it. I mean you initiated the kid to coke (that sounds sick) and you have coke all the time in the house. So your basically a sadistic bastard playing with people's emotions. If you did actually had half a brain, you would buy a juicer and feed your child quality stuff.

Now my last point. Parents tell us never to fight, but they always fight with each other. I'm old enough to lead my own life under my own roof, but it still breaks my heart when my parents fight. Okay I'm not used to them fighting. But hey if they were fighting when I was much younger, I would be pretty traumatised. So imagine that little five year old kid, who just went to bed without dessert because he's been pulling his sister's legs, seeing his parents fighting.

Where's a sense in that? Where?

Friday, July 17, 2009

Review of camping. Weird I know!

This is a post that I made some years back. It's still to be found on my other blog and I agree that this may be considered a duplicate content by Google. But I'm willing to take the risk.

Okay so here starts the original post:

I think during everyone's life, there comes a moment when their family (ahh crap)/friends (ohh cool) decide to go camping. Yeah I know some people might be saying "Nope not me", but sooner or later it gets to us all.

The One - Definition of Camping

Camping mostly means going away from the civilization. Living under a tent, with minimalist stuff like a petrol lamp, some chicken marinated in whatever there is, a lot a lot of beers, a guitar, kitchen utensils, wood and other stuff. Thinking of it, that's not really minimalist. Anyway, since most people tend to go camping in the woods and end up (according to rumors) devoured by mystic demons, most people ,nowadays, tend to go camping at places where everyone goes. This kind of ruins it, right?

The Two - The Safe Camping Solution

Well the solution is simple. Rent a house someplace "far" from the civilization. Here in Mauritius there is one such place called Flic en Flac. This is kind of a fun village. Flic en Flac has a public beach too. This makes it ideal. Many people rent bungalows there. This exactly what my friends and I do.. Every six months.. Yay.. It kicks ass.. I know.. Yeah.. Okay.. I stop..

The Three - The Coming Out (Convincing Mommy)

Okay this part does not apply anymore. I've grown up since. I went from useless brat to useless brat with a job.

Yeah that's the big part. Convincing your parents to let you go camping is not that easy. At least for the first time. To be honest, it wasn't easy for me too. My mom would never let her son go out at night. My dad was on my side, but convincing mommy isn't that trivial. The key here is patience and proof.

Moms are very intricate creatures. During most of my teenage years, I tried to understand her ways. She had her reasons, they were genuine... Aaaaaaaand right!! That's why I could never persuade her. Because deep down, I knew I could not be trusted on. But then I grew up and I realized that if I proved that I was mature enough, she might let me go out with friends. I had to be very patient with this but in the end it paid off. Before, I wouldn't be allowed to go out at night and now I am allowed to take the car and attend a Metal concert at night. Youhouuu... Love you mom and dad..

So for the first times, its okay if your mum starts stating figures off "The Yearly Road Accident Stats Book". Just be patient. If she thinks you ain't mature enough to be on your own, she's probably right, unless you're a fairytale heroine and your mom isn't your biological one and she hates you. For if she didn't, there wouldn't be this fuckin story... Yeah so I was saying... You heed her advices and if you think you're big enough, then prove it kiddo... And be genuine... It pays off... Always...

The Four - The Camping

So you've made it till here. Good. You're already excited when, on your way, your friends tell you how awesome camping was the last time. Then there is bliss. You step in there for the first time. You take a look around. At this time, you surely look soo ridiculous. You look like Grace from Will and Grace on that episode where they were hunting for apartments. But this happens with everyone. You go check out the place. And you settle your stuff. Great now the fun begins.

For the next days, you will be on your own. Everything there is to do, you shall do. You're probably gonna be drunk for most of the time spent there. But you will use a broom. Or even discover how to use it, as one of my friends. So now you're gonna be cooking your own food. You might think its gonna taste like boiled rats.. But no Sir, unless boiled rats taste good. Camping food is wrongly prepared, badly cooked or straight burnt but hell they taste good. And these days are like one single day of (24 x the no. of camping days) hours. Yeahhh.

So that's it for my review. I got to prepare my bag. See you around. Take care and go camping. Houuuuuuraaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!

Note to myself: Call my girlfriend more often when I'm there. :$

Re note to myself: I should definitely call her.